• Westish Contributor

Water World Closing for the Summer; All 15 year Olds in the North Metro Area Now Unemployed

By Christie Buchele

FEDERAL HEIGHTS, Colo— This summer there will be no burnt feet on pavement, no “being too embarrassed to take your shirt off”, no water up your butt from the Tall White Water Slides TM; not this year. Colorado natural wonder, Water World, announced yesterday that they will be closing for the 2020 season due to Covid-19. While Coloradans and tourists are devastated to have to close for the first time in their 40 years of existence, the water and the memories aren’t the biggest casualty.

Every high-schooler from Arvada to Brighton is counting themselves among the unemployed in Colorado now that the Water Park closed, leaving everyone to wonder “Where will 15 year olds get the money, to give to another guy, so that guy can buy them beer?”

Joe Thorsen,16, one of Water World's most senior employees voiced his frustration in an interview yesterday, “I’ve worked my entire life to climb the ranks at Water World. I started as ground maintenance, then I moved to ticket booth, then Kitchen, then Kiddie Pool lifeguard, then I got promoted to shallow water rides. This summer I was finally going to lifeguard Thunder Bay! This is everything I’ve been working for!”

Brittany Wilson, 20, President of Water at Water World explained the importance of this job for the young adult community, “they aren’t going to find another job like this one. What job will allow these teens to build their sexual tension in the hot summer sun while developing premature aging? No other job will prepare you to be the sex-crazed capitalist you need to be in our society better than this one.”

We also received a comment from 30 year regular and season pass holder Jeremy Farmer, 37, who demanded to be interviewed about the closure, “Don’t get me wrong, I love Water World. I’m Kevin Costner, that’s how much I love Water World. But I am hoping that during this time Water World will consider how soft they’ve gotten. The safety features are all up to code, there are always enough life guards, and “the big wave” is no longer a danger to everyone’s life; they really just lost their edge. Maybe think about that before you open next year, Water World!”

Regardless of your opinion on the Colorado national monument, it’s going to be a long summer for teens (and for all Coloradans) without our favorite Giant Toilet TM. Until there is an SPF high enough to fight Covid-19, we will miss sick tricks on The Wave and have nightmares about how we keep missing the exit on the Lazy River. We will Journey to the Center of our Hearts to finally deal with the PTSD from almost drowning. See you soon, Water World. Until then our waves will be rogue without you.

Christie Buchele (@cabuchsy) is a Stand-Up Comedian, Comedy Teacher at Voodoo Comedy, and Comedy Works Regular.

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