Uh Oh! Denver Pedicab Driver Heard Muttering "This Baby Really Opens Up Once You Get on The Highway"
By Michael Jeffries
Locals have been flocking back to bars to engage in one of Denver's favorite past times. Slamming an ungodly amount of overpriced beer in the Ballpark district, ignoring homeless people, and catching a Pedicab to return to their $2,500/month apartments.
While many feel it's finally safe to get absolutely tanked, nothing could be further from the truth thanks to one Pedicab driver.
Dougie Dobson is an industry veteran who has been working Lo-Do for the past 5 years. While little is known about him, word has spread of his seemingly newfound obsession with "taming the concrete sea".
Local realtor, Brett Harrowitz recalls his encounter with Mr. Dobson. While he states he thought Dobson "was a chill dude who also also likes sublime" his voyage quickly took an unchill turn.
It is rumoured that Mr. Big D will often ask his passengers if they can handle "the true speed" or if they're "the weakest babies imaginable".
"When he asked me that, I thought he was goofing around so I laughed. He flipped out and said I'm a little shrimp boy with worm legs. He said I have the stench of a coward".
Another passenger who asked to not be named stated "When I got in he told me that I've entered a horse drawn carriage for gods. When I asked him to explain, he said he's the horses and the god. When I asked what that makes me he said I'm just a poorly made meat sculpture. After that he drank some Gasoline out of a Nalgene bottle and I asked to stop the ride because I was feeling sort of uncomfortable".
Passengers aren't the only ones alarmed by Dobson's behavior. Fellow Pedicab drivers feel that he's scaring away customers and giving the profession a bad name.
"Look if he wants to try something crazy he can do it on his own time. I just know if someone hops in his cab and he starts spouting off about how he's an untainted golden spoke and this filthy world spins around him like a busted tire, they're gonna call a Lyft next time they need a ride home".
When confronted with these allegations, Dobson simply stated he believes cars were invented to embarrass him and that he refuses to be "Henry Ford's personal plaything".
At the time of this article, Dobson was last seen circling the I-25 on-ramp.
Michael Jeffries is originally from Iowa, but things have gotten better since then.