• Westish Contributor

Study Finds No Medical Evidence in The Fray’s “How to Save A Life”

By Steve Vanderploeg

Somewhere on the musical spectrum between classical jazz and black metal, lies a Denver-based band that struck gold with thier 2006 hit “How to Save a Life”. It was their second smash single off their debut-Grammy-nominated album, which puts both BIllboard ranked songs in the category of “The Only Fray Songs Anybody Has Actually Heard”. Still, the song was catchy and stuck in everybody’s head’s for at least two straight months.

In a recent study at the University of Colorado, scientists discovered that following the instructions in the song’s lyrics, raise the chance of survival by “no more than 5%”, assuming the outcome would already be mortality.

The University’s Professor of Health stated, “The only part of that song that might actually save someone is the ‘Pray to God’ but even then, the circumstances are super important. For example, It’s not going to help you if you’re drowning. But if you’re involved in a mass shooting, it’s probably worth a shot.”

Tommy Begood, an Eagle Scout studying at the school recalled a recent incident regarding his experience with the musical number. “I was at a Chipotle about 4 months ago, and the girl at the table next to me started choking. Instead of remembering the Hiemlich, the lyrics to “How to Save a Life” popped in my head and the chorus just kept repeating itself. I mean I tried, but unfortunately I couldn’t get the chicken unlodged from her throat. And to be honest, I don’t even like the song very much, but it was stuck in my head for like a week afterwards. It haunted me at her funeral.”

Another student, Missy Helper, commented on the findings of the study. “It’s just ridiculous. Step one should be check for a pulse or call 911. Not say we need to talk. The song doesn’t even mention step 2. Imagine having to perform CPR on a drowning adolescent, but not having any idea what the second step was. That happened to me when I was a lifeguard in High School. All I could think about was the Fray’s concert that the Fillmore the night before. It changed my life, and that’s why I am studying to become a Doctor.”

Meanwhile, The Fray is still together, apparently. If you’d like to listen to any of their other music, it can be found. Listener discretion is advised, but not due to language or content.

Steve Vanderploeg is a stand-up comedian based in Denver, Colorado where he is a regular at Comedy Works, and creator of Rotating Tap Comedy.

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