• Westish Contributor

Studies Show Floor of Larimer Lounge Too Sticky to Transmit Coronavirus

By Kira MagCalen A survey by the University of Denver offers a ray of hope for fans of the local music scene who are feeling the Quarantine cabin fever: certain surfaces, such as the floor of the Larimer Lounge are simply too deadly for the virus to survive on for more than a minute or two. “We know the virus can live approximately three days on metal or plastic, a few hours on most organic material, but on the floor of the Larimer Lounge, it just begs for mercy.” Sophie Plinker, a doctor and leader of the research team revealed in a press conference last Thursday. “If you put your ear low to the ground, you could almost hear their tiny, tiny screams.” Researchers have been conducting various tests to see if there are more effective preventative measures as social restrictions begin to wind down and people flock to enjoy thriving Denver culture. The idea came to Plinker after remembering a time last year she broke a heel at the venue and accidentally stepped on the floor barefoot, an experience she refused to describe as her face turned ashen gray. “It was like a baby foot peel I never asked for,” she said briskly. “I never stop thinking about it.” Larimer Lounge has been a beloved, intimate venue for both local up and comers and national touring bands. Nestled in the ever changing RiNo district, it attracted all walks of life who are eager for its return. “It was a pretty great place to make out with a stranger in a bathroom,” reminisced Katie Bloom, “I’d sometimes drop by even if I didn’t know what band was playing. I met really interesting people even if I couldn’t hear them.” Many fans mirrored Bloom’s enthusiasm, and weren’t particularly surprised about the venue’s particularly hostile environment to the novel virus. “I went there for a concert in the summer, and it was so hot I passed out,” reported Bert May. “But there’s a photo of me still upright. People we were so scrunched together they held me up even though I was unconscious. I was like the star of Weekend at Bernie’s.” “I wouldn’t lick the floor,” he cautions, “But walk around barefoot and you may end up immune to coronavirus. Just don’t be surprised if you get everything else.”

Kira MagCalen is a comedian, artist and tiny monster from Denver Colorado. Currently she runs the blog Turbulent Flow and might be standing right behind you.

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