• Westish Contributor

Stapleton Man On Date “Mask Or Condom, I’m Only Wearing One”

By Meghan DePonceau


While the mask debate has been dividing the nation, a single man from Stapleton has harvested the dilemma into producing what he calls “the perfect ultimatum”. Halfway through his date Sunday evening, Timothy Jercough felt as though things were going well enough, it was time to pull off his “sick new Covid move” and force his date’s hand on how she would like to be protected if hypothetically, things were to get hot & heavy.


“Dating in the time of covid is hard” Jercough asserts, “but, unfortunately not as hard as my erection. So obviously, I have to get out there swiping. It used to be, I’d land a date and then have to wait a week before I showed my fake STD test results to make the argument for sex without a condom. Now, with everyone wearing these masks, I can declare how I’d like to go bareback straight out the gate, you got to pick one! Do you want me to rip off this mask right now, or gamble on fluids down the road?”


The date was a walk through Cheeseman park with Clara Sumpters, who Westish reached out to for comment. “Well, I left immediately after he asked me that. I knew 20 minutes in, this date would not lead to a second, I was just trying to be polite” Sumpters explains, “Quarantine has been lonely and obviously I am super desperate to be still going on dates and risking contact. But yeah, that guy was just really sad and not worth any risk”


Jercough grew silent near the end of his interview and longingly looked out a window for a near eight minutes before whimpering, “I’m just looking for true love, a girl who can get through my personality to see the real me. If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?”.


Here at Westish, we believe in love.


Made from embers of the lovable Dumpster Fire that is Buffalo New York Meghan DePonceau has blood made of Frank's Red Hot & the spicy mouth to prove it. For her passions of giggle making & hooch slinging, DePonceau opened Wide Right, a bar and comedy venue in the Ballpark neighborhood of Denver, CO

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