• Westish Contributor

Rise in Firework Complaints Not Related to Bachelorette Parties Playing Katy Perry on Pedal Bars

By Zac Maas


Normally the summer streets would be clogged with trollies pedal-powered by drunken brides and their maids. Friends celebrating her last night of freedom by paying to power a vehicle she's not allowed to steer. Penises in straw, gummy, and cup form jostling in the wind as they sped through Lodo or SoBro. It was the American dream.


That was when it would start, oh so subtly through the blown speakers.


🎶Do you ever feel like a plastic bag

Drifting thought the wind

Wanting to start again.🎶


Thoughts of, "Maybe Katy stole this lyric from American Beauty" were quickly replaced by, "This is totally a metaphor for the bride. She's a plastic bag."


🎶Do you ever feel, feel so paper-thin

Like a house of cards

One blow from caving in🎶


"She almost gave up... She has blown it a lot."


🎶Do you ever feel already buried deep

Six feet under scream

But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there's still a chance for you🎶


"She was dead inside, but there was still a chance for her. Maybe there's still a chance for me."


🎶'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light

And let it shine

Just own the night

Like the Fourth of July🎶


And that's when their hands would explode in the air, the fever pitch, everyone in harmony. All the expenses of a destination bachelorette party were forgotten.


🎶'Cause baby you're a firework

Come on show 'em what you're worth

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"

As you shoot across the sky-y-y


Baby, you're a firework

Come on let your colors burst

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"

You're gonna leave 'em fallin' down down down🎶


This is when Denverites would call the police. Not this year though. This year, the wheels no longer turn like a pedal bar full of that person who refuses to pedal. This year the police are doing nothing else.


Sgt. Findaname reflects fondly on The past "we used to get half a dozen calls on a Friday night. We knew they were white though, so, you know."


Joe local patio smoker has a different take "I used to pray for a semi-truck to hit 'em."


Pastor Stevens is afraid though "CoVid is not only trying to destroy our country, but also Christian values like monogamy. How is a woman supposed to get married unless she has gone from bar to bar having men eat penises off of her shirt? How can you eat gummy dicks from six feet away? I've tried. Can't do it."


Nope, it turns out the police aren't the only ones firing explosives on Denver's streets. These are actual fireworks, the Wyoming gold. So don't be confused, Katy Perry had nothing to do with the rise in Firework complaints… this year.


Zac Maas is the host of the Phone it In Film Festival, Laugh Night at Sloan's Alamo, and a regular at Comedy Works. You can find him @MaasComedy on all social media or at ZacMaas.com


267 views

©2020