Polis Goes on to Call Covid-19 ‘Crap-Eating, Dickweasle Virus’ in Show of Headstrong Leadership
Demonstrating the unwavering leadership necessary to safely manage a public health crisis, Colorado Governor Jared Polis held a press briefing this afternoon, where he referred to Covid-19 as a “crap-eating, dickweasle virus”. “Our glorious state has been beset with a viral adversary, the likes of which can only be compared to a full-blown turd tuba,” said Polis, acknowledging to the press that he understood the desire to enshrine his Gettysburg-esque oration with any amount of oil paintings, sculptures, or limited edition beanie babies. “In times of crisis it is important that we come together to agree this pandemic is butts… just lots and lots of butts.” Polis sighed before capping off the speech by taking a sledgehammer to an old muscle car with ‘coronavirus’ spray painted on the windshield.
Facing a surge in cases statewide, residents of Colorado must weigh the risk of increasing the spread of Covid-19 against the sophomoric disdain held by government officials. “If I had the choice between a mask mandate, or calling corona a ‘swollen fuck-knuckle’ of a health concern, I suppose the mask would be more beneficial in the longterm,” admitted Joyful Sun Care Center resident Wilma Jordan, 79, adding that the name-calling did evoke a sense of hopeless angst. “I guess if we are unable to slow this virus, I might have a few choice words to utter myself.” Jordan reportedly spent the majority of her physical therapy stomping on printed out pictures of government officials.
At press time, Governor Polis was reportedly explaining to the public that if treatment options were unavailable to infected parties, tying the virus's shoelaces together may be an effective deterrent.
Jeremy is a comedy writer, improviser, and musician based out of Denver. Along with writing about himself in the third person, Jeremy enjoys trucks, beer, and appearing relatable to the working class, rural American.