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"Periodic Global Temperature Variation" Comforts Climate Change Denier After Losing Home To Wildfire

By Jeremy Lessnau


Citing the Permian and Triassic periods as prime examples, climate change denier Rory Hamilton was comforted early Wednesday morning by the planet’s periodic temperature variations just after losing his home in a historic wildfire. “I haven’t slept, eaten, or stopped crying since I heard news that my house—where I have lived for over 15 years—was incinerated. That is, not until I remembered the climate is always changing, regardless of human behaviour, so that made me feel completely better,” said Hamilton, who holds zero degrees in meteorology, environmental science, and/or climatology, but did take several minutes to watch a fairly convincing YouTube video on a laptop, which now looks like nothing more than a pile of soot. “It’s times like these that reminds us of what really matters in this life: that the medieval warm period proves global temperature fluctuation is a part of a 100,000 year warming and cooling cycle, CO2 levels be damned.” Hamilton went on to say that the one thing he wishes he’d grabbed before evacuating his home was his three-hour, 47-minute rebuttal to “An Inconvenient Truth” on BluRay.


At press time, the Pine Gulch Fire in Colorado had grown to 139,007 acres—the largest ever in state history—and was sparked by the Earth’s natural pattern of extremely hot and cold climate shift, allowing humans to avoid any responsibility whatsoever much to the chagrin of nearly every climate scientist in the world.


Jeremy is a comedy writer, improviser, and musician based out of Denver. Along with writing about himself in the third person, Jeremy enjoys trucks, beer, and appearing relatable to the working class, rural American.


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