• Westish Contributor

Not All Cops Are Bastards; In Horrifying Discovery, Some Were Conceived On Purpose

By Evan Johnson


The ACAB (all cops are bastards) acronym has been a staple of the anti-police brutality movement, but how mathematically accurate is it? That’s the question that Dr. Donald Blake has pursued over the last 3 weeks.


In a new study, Dr. Blake has found that over half of cops had planned births. In a statement made in a press conference today, he said “My difficulty with metaphors has led me down a dark path of asking parents whether or not they acted specifically to conceive children who then became cops. It has angered many police officers. I am very sorry, I was not expecting as much misspelled hate mail as I received.”


A mother who was interviewed for the study also made a statement. “This study has brought up a lot of questions. Why is my son so angry that I wanted to have him?"


At that point in the press conference, an officer, who appeared to be the woman’s son, began brutalizing himself with his own asp. Eleven of the twenty-seven unnecessary cops present began to join in on instinct. Amidst the bloody chaos, Dr. Blake hurriedly exited, passing several cops hitting their batons in their hands like menacing cartoon henchmen.


Evan Johnson is a comedian out of Denver, Colorado. He will never die. Hail Johnson.

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