• Westish Contributor

No Proof Eastern Colorado Exists

By Cody Ullrich

One-hundred pedestrians on 16th Street were asked to name a single Colorado town east of Fort Morgan. Zero polled had an answer. Knowing these results raise concerning implications, Westish sought out answers to the age-old question pondered across the Front Range- does Eastern Colorado actually exist?

Maps indicate the presence of an Eastern Colorado and there are even signs on Denver highways pointing the way to the mysterious town of “Limon”, possibly named after a flavor of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos®. Much like the Lost City of Atlantis, this city may be more myth than reality as investigators were unable to find a single individual who had been there.

Of course, supply chains move east to west and vice versa, so reporters asked passing trucker, Jim Melton, about his experiences traveling east. He requested we address him by his call sign, “Butt Fuzz”.

“We call everything after Fort Morgan ‘The Big Dark’. It’s like the Barracuda [sic] Triangle or something,” said Fuzz. “Last time I headed that way, I blacked out at the edge of town and woke up the next day in Kearny, Nebraska wearing high heels and a rainbow wig. I was relieved I didn’t lose either of them in the blackout.”

The smell of Mr. Fuzz’ breath suggested his alleged blackouts may have been completely unrelated this “Big Dark”. To address skepticism, investigative reporters from Westish travelled east to see for themselves.

The drive ended abruptly where the map indicated the town of Brush should be. Reports state a wall of fog covered the road with strikes of lightning revealing Lovecraftian silhouettes towering in the distance. One brave journalist volunteered to wander into the void, tying a rope around his waist and asking to be pulled back when he tugged three times. A single tug was felt, but nothing returned from the mist except a frayed rope.

This investigation into the existence of Eastern Colorado yielded one resounding answer which should satisfy our readers along the Front Range- who cares if you can’t ski there?

This article is published in loving memory of Gene Rosenberg, Westish reporter who was swallowed whole by an Eldritch Horror. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family as well as the elder gods, who we can only hope are satisfied with his blood sacrifice.

Cody Ullrich is a Denver-born writer, comedian, and musician.

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