• Westish Contributor

New Telecommuting App Allows Denver Bartenders to Be Sexually Harassed From Home

By Nate Brown

In a time of Zoom meetings and collaborative Google Docs, many service professionals are left wondering how face-to-face jobs like theirs can survive during a global pandemic. That’s where the Denver-based ‘Crunx’ app comes in. Not only does Crunx allow users to order custom cocktails to their door, it also provides a full service bar experience: the ability to video chat a bartender 20 years your junior to ask whether she has a boyfriend. CEO Trevor Allen says this is the new frontier of virtual interaction. “We wanted to give bar patrons something even more convenient than the real thing. That’s why we do the math for you and default your tips to the exact percentage of exposed skin our system detects a bartender is displaying.” Jessica Wheeler, a bartender on the platform, says she prefers to wear oversized T-shirts at home but now, “that’s a death sentence. The only way I make money on here is through a low-cut top or sports bra.” This may seem male-centric, but Crunx does not leave its female customers out in the cold. Through a retooling of facial recognition filters popularized by Instagram and Snapchat, the Crunx app allows women to extend a virtual hand to squeeze a clearly-homosexual bartender’s bicep and ask him if he works out. It’s a remarkable step forward in the way bar customers and bartenders interact, says Trevor. “COVID-19 has upended the way we think about work. But it’s only a matter of time before technology like ours allows us to get things back to exactly the way they used to be.”

Nate Brown is a standup comic out of Denver and a student at the University of Colorado. He runs a show at Elliot’s Martini Bar in Fort Collins, CO at times when the apocalypse is not happening.

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