• Westish Contributor

New Studies Prove Masks Also Effective for Keeping Moths Out of Your Teeth

By Kira MagCalen, photo by Jeremy Lessnau

There may be a new turning point in the debate about wearing masks in public. No matter what your thoughts are about coronavirus, new studies have proven that masks are consistently, 100% effective against miller moths flying into your teeth.

Miller moths, or “drunken shit butterflies”, as our Grandpa used to call them, migrate through the region as the evening temperatures warm, perhaps in an effort to remind us that a plague doesn’t have to be metaphorical. Coloradans may remember leaning in for a romantic summer kiss (when that was allowed in our timeline) only for the moment to be ruined by a moth to mouth flotation.

Eager to solve the problem, researchers at CSU conducted a study by placing participants in a plexiglass chamber in various control states; some participants went in without any kind of protective gear, some wore pool floaties, and some were wearing their cloth coronavirus masks. Once participants were settled in the chamber, a vent opened up and a swarm of miller moths were funneled into the air ducts in an experiment one participant dubbed as “a horror movie designed by jackasses.”

When the dust, moths, and nerves settled, the results were resoundingly clear. Overwhelmingly, participants who wore masks did not have to worry about Miller Moths flying into or around their mouth, whereas all other groups wound up having chewed on at least half a dozen insects.

“They definitely tried to get in there,” remarked a participant who begged to remain nameless. “If I didn’t have a cloth mask over my face, I would have eaten one for sure. It was awful. I probably wouldn’t have signed up for this study if I hadn’t blown my stimulus on Magic cards.”

Researchers weren’t entirely sure why moths to mouth was such a risk in the first place, but all of them admitted to the encounter happening at least once in their life.

“There’s something about mouths they seem to really gravitate toward,” a puzzled researcher admitted. “They’re normally attracted to lights, and warmth, but for some reason, they will occasionally just try and shack up in your dark, wet mouth like it’s a little countryside AirBNB.”

While many people remain skeptical of mask laws, the participants of the study have stated they will probably continue to wear them at least for the remainder of moth season.

Grace Archuleta, a Denver native, wholeheartedly agrees. Archuleta had spent previous years designing tiny, toothpick sized pitchforks in order to scrape the remains out of her teeth, but welcomes the added protection of her handmade corona mask.

“It’s a little uncomfortable,” she admits, “But I haven’t accidentally eaten a thrashing, frightened insect in months.”

Kira MagCalen is a comedian, artist and tiny monster from Denver Colorado. Currently she runs the blog Turbulent Flow and might be standing right behind you.

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