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Nervous DPD Officer to Wife: "I've Been Thinking About Beating Other People"

By Cody Ullrich


Any good relationship is built around a couple’s ability to communicate. A local DPD officer considered this as he sat in his driveway, still drunk from his shift, rehearsing exactly what he wanted to tell his wife, to state his needs.


“I needed to tell her about what was going on in my mind lately,” the officer told reporters. “I walked inside and saw her beautiful face as she flinched and tightened her grip on the knife she was using to slice tomatoes with her shaky hands. Dinner wasn’t ready yet, but unlike most nights, this time I didn’t dive headfirst into a violent rage about it. It was like some of the passion between us was suddenly gone and I decided to talk to her about it.” Of course, research suggests that family violence is two to four times higher in houses with law enforcement officers present. The DPD officer informed reporters this was an essential part of their relationship.


“I pulled her aside and squeezed her arms to show my affection right along the bruises from the night before. I mustered up the courage and said ‘baby, I need to tell you something. I’ve been thinking about beating other people’. She was clearly upset to hear me tell her this as she avoided eye contact and said ‘this hurts’. I knew it would be hard for her to hear.”


The DPD officer had recently been tasked to respond to the peaceful protests at the Denver Capital over his colleague’s murdering of another unarmed black man. He said the experience changed his perception on violence.


“I realized there’s a whole world out there of people to brutalize. Why stop at backhanding my spouse when I can knock out an eye with a rubber bullet or use a baton on someone sitting at an inconvenient spot on the sidewalk? Have you ever pepper sprayed a child? Everything at home feels so domestic and vanilla after an experience like that.”


When asked how she felt about this development in their relationship, the spouse of the officer looked around frantically and told reporters, “Please help me. I would call the police, but they would just cover for him and make everything worse. I’m living in a Kafkaesque nightmare.”


The officer provided his final statements. “Maybe we will eventually respark the old flame. I am still invested in this relationship and am willing to try new things. Maybe a good old fashioned murder-suicide will show her and the kids that I care. Who knows?”


Cody Ullrich is a Denver-born writer, comedian, and musician.


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