Local Poser Only Gets 7 Emo Music References In Ratio's Beers
By Ray Schmidt
DENVER – A resident of Denver’s popular River North neighborhood was brought into custody yesterday on one count of being a total poser. The man, whose identity is withheld out of respect for his family, was apprehended on charges stemming from an incident at local microbrewery Ratio Beerworks.
According to witnesses, suspicions were aroused when the accident-prone lawbreaker could be seen furiously googling the names of Ratio’s beers while waiting in line. One Ratio employee even alleged the man said “What a classic” after ordering a Repeater. “He strategically avoided saying if it was a song, album or even a band,” the employee said, adding “in this line of work, you have to report these things so they don’t happen again. This guy was being a danger not only to himself but to our community.” Indeed, the timing of this incident is unfortunate for a music subculture which is still recovering from a years-long battle over whether it should be spelled ‘poser’ or ‘poseur’, a conflict that yielded no casualties but did result in the writing of thousands of whiny songs.
Denver law enforcement was notified of the incident by Ratio management and promptly dispatched the Scene Police, a division of the squad that traditionally deals with hipster disputes such as penny farthing hit-and-runs and skinny jean rescues. To assess the man’s emo credentials, authorities administered a feelings sobriety test in which subjects are asked to perform common everyday emo tasks like spelling a Cap’n Jazz album title backwards. The suspect performed poorly, with one witness claiming the man “was just totally out of his element. He was so far gone I don’t even think he could’ve told you the difference between American Football and Modern Baseball.” Upon failing the test, the man revealed he could only definitively identify “six, maybe seven at best” emo references from Ratio’s selection of beers. The legal minimum threshold in the state of Colorado is nine.
After being taken into custody, authorities searched the suspect’s apartment, confiscating several argyle sweaters and a pair of cat-eye glasses. The items will presumably be donated to Nothing Feels Goodwill, a charity that provides clothes ironically to people with bad taste.
Ray Schmidt is a suburban dude based out of Centennial.