• Westish Contributor

Local Paintball Enthusiasts in Charge of City for Some Reason

By Zeke Herrera

Last Thursday, Mayor Hancock called for deployment of his new laser tag unit on protesters. Unfortunately, Gameworks and Dave & Buster’s had already reallocated all resources to Syria. So in a last ditch effort, interim Sheriff Fran Gomez spent all day deputizing everyone in LoDo that owned a paintball gun. She stated "never before had so many people asked to be deputized in a pool filled with Monster Energy Drink. She also told Westish, "I cannot imagine a group more suited to handle race relations". Gomez claims they cannot afford to pay new deputies but assures that they will be compensated with Axe body spray and drywall repair.

Hancock announced Sunday that an 8pm curfew would be taking place in Denver. Stating that citizens were becoming insufficient target practice, "large groups are easier to hit", implying Denver citizens should be playing hard to get.

“This isn’t a game to us, even though we find it very fun", Chief of Police Paul M. Pazen claimed, "Some protesters tried evading shots yesterday and although we like being teased a little, we are SUPER tired of throwing teargas all day. If you all went home, our officers could get back to yelling the N word at Call of Duty and keeping our violence domestic.”

Thousands of people showed up to the rallies in Denver this weekend but only hundreds were shot and tear gassed, lowering the departments accuracy score. Meaning, most of the DPD rookie cards this year will be effectively worthless.

Protesting is scheduled to continue until the government gets its shit together.

Zeke’s a guy, he’s got a bunch of stuff but he does not want you touching it. As a matter o’fact don’t even look at it.

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