Local City Bullied for Being Thornton
Despite schools being shut down due to COVID-19, there is still a tragic amount of bullying going on throughout the state. Just this weekend, Westish News received a report that one local municipality is being taunted and harassed just for being Thornton. "They called me the Pueblo of Denver," a tearful Thornton told Westish News. "And that hurts. I'm actually a really nice city." Thornton refuses to name the other municipalities that have been making fun of it, fearful that some of the 253 of them are likely to retaliate. And without that, law enforcement says there is little they can do. "It’s unfortunate, certainly. You don’t want it happening to your city,” said Gary Creager, the Chief-of-Police in Thornton’s neighbor, Broomfield. “You know how cities can get. It’s hazing, it’ll pass. I mean, we’re named after broomcorn. They used to make brooms from broomcorn. Field of brooms, broom field, Broomfield ー get it? I don’t know how we ever made it to be honest.” Thornton’s City Manager, Kevin Woods, claims this kind of harassment isn’t just a phase. “Sadly, this kind of thing begins at home. The smaller towns learn it from the bigger ones and they don't even think about what they're saying or how that makes Thornton feel.” Not every Colorado town takes part in what social media has branded #ThorntonBashing. “I feel bad for Thornton, I guess. But at least people know about Thornton,” said Bonanza, a town apparently somewhere in Colorado. “More people probably remember Bonanza Steakhouse. I have like 20 residents. It’s like being invisible out here.” It’s a tough choice for less-popular cities to make: hide in the shadows or face the scrutiny of more popular locations like Boulder or LoDo, which were both so much cooler before everyone knew about them. Kevin Woods, still in Thornton for some reason, thinks the other cities don’t have the context they need to behave appropriately toward his city. “Most of these places don't even share a physical boundary with Thornton. They don't know what it's like. I have to fucking live here, okay? Like it looks nice from the highway and everything but have you ever stayed here at night? Get off the highway and park near Bad Daddy’s Burger Bar some night after ten or eleven. Doesn’t seem too bad, right? Do you know why? Because that’s actually in Northglenn. Cross 120th and try Applebee’s. You aren’t ready for that shit. And you’re not even near the heart." Westish News has declined Mr. Woods' request to get him “out of this Stygian hell before it consumes [him]." He also hopes to raise awareness of his new hashtag on social media: #BeNiceToThorntonPleaseBeforeItBecomesAngryAndTheEvilLurkingBeneathTheCityManafestsItself2020 Luckily, Thornton is able to find a silver lining between the jokes and pointed mockery, even in the darkness that shrouds the obviously doomed city. "I do have a pretty tight skate park and at least I'm not Pueblo."
Chris Curtis is a Colorado native that now lives in Pahoa, Hawaii (imagine Boulder with better weather and no money or college). He's a musician, artist, card-carrying geek, and award-winning writer. He still does lots of Colorado stuff like paying too much for craft beer and not going in the ocean.