Jefferson County Student Develops Back-To-School Jitters, Fever, Respiratory Infection
Following the decision by Jefferson County Public Schools to offer full-time in-person learning for the upcoming 2020-2021 school year, a Jefferson County student reported experiencing back-to-school jitters, fever, and respiratory infection. “I started thinking about seeing my friends, and then I began to doubt if they’d still like me, and then I could hardly breathe,” said student Alicia Watkins, preparing to enter the seventh grade as well as the intensive care unit. “You know, just regular problems that kids my age worry about.” Watkins added that, should her battle with Covid-19 lead to long-term health issues, walking around campus with an oxygen tank would be an act of social suicide.
Starting in late summer, the school district of Jefferson County plans to offer in-person lessons in response to online survey responses from the community. “We have made this decision based on the feedback we received from the people of Jefferson County, those optimistic, naive fools,” said Superintendent Jason Glass, admitting that the overwhelming feedback in favor of in-person classes as approved by public health partners had created an incredible amount of work for district planners. “To be perfectly honest, we had very little reason to believe parents would willingly expose their children to the spread of this pandemic, but here we are.” Glass chalked up public opinion to the nature of civil servitude, while pounding a red bull and pouring over the 312th draft of the plan to reopen.
At press time, students were reportedly having stress dreams surrounding the social pressures of school pictures, crushes, and the spread of a virus with a mortality rate of around four percent.
Jeremy is a comedy writer, improviser, and musician based out of Denver. Along with writing about himself in the third person, Jeremy enjoys trucks, beer, and appearing relatable to the working class, rural American.