• Westish Contributor

“It’s Okay, Rich People Can’t Get Sick,” says Entire Cherry Creek Neighborhood

By Emily Knapp


Despite frequent and consistent outbreaks of COVID-19, schools throughout the Cherry Creek school district continue to funnel children into its halls. Parents, sporting confidence, swear everything is fine.


“We’re not anti-science,” said Janice Von Bettenschwartz, struggling to wave her gilded hand. “We’re rich. And all rich people are automatically immune to all diseases, ailments, and life struggles. It’s scientifically proven.”


When parents were asked whether they were worried about their children getting sick, most laughed for at least five minutes and stressed that they were impervious to everything.


“Worse case we go online!” said Roberta Streusel as she shoved her child through the front door. “Yes, it will be hard, but we have sturdy Wi-Fi, the finest computers, and small classroom sizes to ensure a personalized learning experience for each one of our children.”


In spite of public outcry, Governor Jared Polis confidently stood with Cherry Creek parents and Superintendent Scott Siegfried in their decision to push for a hybrid version of in-person learning. He reinforced that the safety of the students is of the utmost importance in having students return to in-person education. Yet, he neglected to acknowledge that his one visit to a wealthy school provided limited insight into the problems facing other DPS schools, and the surrounding counties’ schools, that are not as flush with resources.


“Our children need a proper education,” said Polis during a recent press conference. “I have personally met with one school in Cherry Creek and they showed me an amazing system that will keep our kids safe while providing them the education they need. Based on this singular, anecdotal evidence, I am certain, that the rest of our schools in Colorado are adequately equipped to handle students coming back into their schools.”


Cherry Creek parents and administrators are confident that they are making the correct decision. After all, they stressed, heavily, that they are protected by their wealth and they cannot, under any circumstances, get sick.


“Mmmm, yeah, I think we’ll be okay,” said Streusel. “Most of us have outfitted our children with pure gold masks, and as far as I’m concerned, COVID-19 can’t penetrate precious metals.”


Emily Knapp is a Denver-based writer and comedian. Her poetry was recently featured in Writers Resist and Fearsome Critters, and her satire can be found on Funny-ish, Slackjaw, The Chicago Genius Herald, Westish, and Robot Butt. You can find her in the mountains writing, hiking, running, and skiing. If she's not doing any of that, she is 100% eating tacos. 

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