• Westish Contributor

In Strategic Decision, Anti Vaxxers Use Selves as Biological Weapons Against Police

By Stephanie Jones

DENVER, CO - This Sunday, unmasked anti-vaccination protesters gathered by the 10s at Colorado’s State Capitol in opposition of Colorado Senate Bill 163, a measure aimed at increasing childhood vaccinations.

After watching the Denver Police Department’s violent response to the Black Lives Matter movement, these self-proclaimed ‘Freedom Angels’ came prepared. “We saw how DPD treated protesters and decided to come armed with the most dangerous weapons we could think of: Ourselves,” explained Betsy Singer, a Littleton, CO resident wearing her 18-month-old son strapped to her chest. “Little Kevin here never got his shots and drools more than he should for his age... I don’t want to use him, but I will protect my right to choose what’s best for my child at all costs - even if he dies in the process.”

Officer Daniel Hamm, a member of the Denver Police Department’s SWAT Team, described his encounter with the anti-vaxxers, “Honestly, my team and I were headed to the BLM protests ‘cause that’s where the real action is. Out of nowhere, we were surrounded by a group of the angriest white people I’d ever seen. Adults without children were hocking loogies at a distance and velocity I haven’t achieved since the 8th grade. One woman threw her newborn at my squad - my partner caught the baby AND the measles.”

Colorado State Representative and biological warfare enthusiast, Lori Saine (R-Firestone), is credited with concocting the ‘Army-of-One’ strategy intended to stave off police intervention. Jesse Arellano, a local restaurant owner and Freedom Angel described the scene, “[Saine] ended the rally by giving us a speech she stole from Braveheart, then told us to throw our likely infectious bodies at police officers. I’m a huge Gibson fan and an asymptomatic carrier of Coronavirus, so I really dug the whole thing.” Saine could not be reached for comment.

Phil Silberman, a founding member of the Colorado Health Choice Alliance, is a leader in the opposition to Bill 163. Interviewed after the rally, Silberman praised protesters’ tactics and pointed out that while stopping the bill will likely harm thousands of Colorado residents, it will make him and his Freedom Angels feel more comfortable about their scientifically disproven beliefs.

Stephanie Jones is a Denver-based improvisational comedian who builds apps by day and teaches / performs by night.

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