• Westish Contributor

Highlands Ranch Moms Complain; "Nothing for Mother's Day, Not Even COVID"

By Christie Buchele HIGHLANDS RANCH, CO-- Social Media saw a huge spike in Mother’s Day complaint posts on Monday and Tuesday from moms in the affluent neighborhood of Highlands Ranch, Colorado. Debbie Collins of Royal Eagle Way was the first to break her silence in a post Monday Morning. “I feel devastated that I didn’t see my kids on Mother’s Day. Sure I got a call but they didn’t even come to see me and they didn’t get me any gifts; not even Coronavirus.” It seems that Debbie was not the only Mother to suffer this indignity. A record number of moms did not see their kids this Mother’s Day. While we originally believed numbers were down due to the worldwide pandemic, Sheila Thompson of the South Ridge neighborhood isn’t so sure. “If I am willing to die in order to get a card written by someone else at Hallmark but signed by my son, that is my constitutional right and he knows that. He was looking for an excuse.” When asking Sheila’s son to comment on why he didn’t give his mother a visit he responded “Ohhhhhh yikes. I forgot what day it is. Time means nothing now.” Sheila shot back with a Facebook post later that day “Time meant a lot when I was in labor with you for 37 hours btw!!!” Millennials everywhere were searching for a new excuse when stay-at-home restrictions were lifted right before Mother’s Day. “I thought that the fact that I was laid off would keep my mom from needing a present this year; I was wrong” Dana Lewis responded to her Mother’s complaint post on Tuesday, “my mother called me weeping; said I don’t love her; she said she ‘didn’t want to play the victim here, but…’ and then she just trailed off in despair.” Cathy Benton tried to find someone to complain to when her daughter didn’t answer the phone right away. In the end she turned to social media to vent her frustrations. “I was so upset with the service I received this Mother’s Day that I tried to call the manager of this family but then I realized that’s me.” Late Monday night Cathy’s daughter, Jessica, finally called her back. She explained that there was a method to her madness. Even though her mom believes Coronavirus is a hoax she could not in good conscience go see her mother so she decided to give her the next best thing. “My mom said she didn’t want to be a martyr, but I knew better, she loves that shit. My mother gives great guilt trips and on this Mother’s Day, I wanted to give her the chance to do what she does best.” Early predictions forecast that while Mom’s complaining about Mother’s Day hit an all time high in 2020, the fall out will last several years. It’s unclear whether the debt of missing this Mother’s Day can ever really be paid back but moving forward all moms of Highlands Ranch are expecting visits from their kids every Mother’s Day, Birthday, Holiday and days that end in the last letter of the word "mommy".

Christie Buchele (@cabuchsy) is a Stand-Up Comedian, Comedy Teacher at Voodoo Comedy, and Comedy Works Regular.

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