Hickenlooper Sets Sights On "Lesser Of Two Evils" Vote
Defeating his progressive rival in the Colorado primary for United States Senate, democratic candidate John Hickenlooper set his sights on his campaign’s key demographic: the lesser of two evils vote. “It is my hope that Colorado voters look at me, then my opponent, then back to me and say ‘sure, fine whatever’ before they cast their votes,” said Hickenlooper, mentioning that he hoped the citizens of Colorado might not judge him as an individual, but rather in comparison to the human pile of garbage that is his republican opponent, Cory Gardner. “If you just look at all of the things I won’t do—putting aside my past, values, and identity—I’m actually just ineffective, as opposed to completely counterproductive.” Hickenlooper reminded constituents of the importance this senate seat will have for future generations, claiming he alone could ensure their lives will be really, really bad, instead of utterly futile.
Choosing between two unfortunate candidates, Colorado voters face a difficult decision come November, when they will elect either an unethical mouthpiece for large energy corporations, or Cory Gardner. “It’s never easy choosing between someone who could set the country back a decade and someone who could set us back half a century,” commented undecided Englewood voter Vanessa Gilmore, adding that, while she disagrees with Hickenlooper’s tone-deaf response to the Black Lives Matter movement, the american political system offers no alternative but casting a vote for a man so far up the president’s ass he could be mistaken for a Trump-brand buttplug. “It’s hard to feel excited about an election cycle bearing so much similarity to a game of Would-You-Rather.” Gilmore admitted that if the election were tomorrow, she would vote for Hickenlooper, but what kind of sick, twisted ethical thought fallacy would that be for a society fully capable of instituting a fair and ethical democracy.
At press time, Hickenlooper was reportedly giving himself props for stabbing fewer people than Vlad the Impaler, so you should probably vote for him.
Jeremy is a comedy writer, improviser, and musician based out of Denver. Along with writing about himself in the third person, Jeremy enjoys trucks, beer, and appearing relatable to the working class, rural American.