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Governor's Rule For Mandatory Last Call at 10:00 pm Proves Definitively Politicians are Nerds

By Elliot Weber

On July 21st Governor Jared Polis signed an executive order mandating a statewide last call for alcohol at 10:00 pm. The state lacks data linking increased COVID-19 cases to bars and restaurants. Following the executive order, many citizens have concluded that politicians are, in fact, giant nerds, seemingly incapable of laughter or a good time of any sort.

Academics conduct research pondering the question; Why are politicians dorkier than most? The policy introduced by Colorado's governor will add to the growing collection of data. Current literature suggests the nerdiness in politics begins as far back as high school citing two primary paths of career politicians.

The first course that is common for legislators is nepotism based. These are individuals whos family tree already exists in government. Mommy, Daddy, Grampy, and Grandma have played the political circuit and paved the path for their offspring to enter the arena applying the traditional views of their family. While these individuals tend to be inconsiderate and self-interested as opposed to nerdy, their policies still fall out of line with the fun-loving public.

The second customary pathway for career politicians is joining student government at the high school level. This route is prone to nerds taking a seat in political office. Starting as early as fourteen years old, they harass the student body with polls and surveys. They are opting to sit down with school administrators during lunch a prevalent indicator of geekiness. Throughout high school and college, this behavior will persist. As they gain experience campaigning, they will miss out on dating, parties, and being likable. By the time they enter their field professionally, they will have completely lost touch with the general public. Thus when the time comes to enact executive orders, as in the case with Jared Polis, the community will see their decision as unfathomably nerdy.

Regardless of their trajectory into politics, rulings such as the one made by Jared Polis prove that politicians are nerds.

Elliot is a Denver based stand-up comedian and writer. He has performed at Comedy Festivals across the Southwest and Pride events across the country. He is a member of the comedy group DeadRoom Comedy. Instagram @elliotaweber and @deadroomcomedy

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