• Westish Contributor

Governor Polis Announces “We Are All Screwed, Time to Day Drink”

By Meghan DePonceau

During a televised coronavirus update on Tuesday, Gov. Jared Polis announced a new day drinking mandate in Colorado for the next 30 days, because there is officially no point in being sober any more. The new rule forces bars & restaurants to move last call for alcohol up from 2am to 10pm, because according to the Governor's staff “This is for safety, if you start early enough, there is no way anyone should be still capable of standing by 10pm. We are looking out for Colorado residents, hangovers that last through the afternoon take away from daylight drinking hours.”

In response to the new 10pm “Last Call” Ordinance, 200 local bars & restaurants filed a lawsuit against the executive order. The Governor responded, “I think Colorado hospitality related small businesses need to rethink their bar programs, everyone should be getting more innovative with breakfast cocktails. Nobody needs coffee anymore, because what’s the point of staying awake and alert? No, it’s time for Coloradans to replace their morning coffee with absinthe and for Colorado’s restaurants to focus on giving it to them.”

Westish reached out to infuriated local bar owner Jeremy Pysher of Wide Right in the ballpark neighborhood for comment, “I mean this sucks a lot and doesn’t make any sense, but should someone go check on the Governor and make sure he is doing okay, right? Day drinking is fun once in a while, but it sounds like he’s going through a lot. Mandating it every day for the next 30 days, I mean just because the Governor is going on a bender, doesn’t mean we all have to!”

Here at Westish, we understand the world is very stressful, but encourage all our readers to be more responsible than our government officials and try not to partake in self medicating with patio pitchers of Long Island Ice Teas, mainly because they are very disgusting drinks and you are all better than that.

Made from embers of the lovable Dumpster Fire that is Buffalo New York Meghan DePonceau has blood made of Frank's Red Hot & the spicy mouth to prove it. For her passions of giggle making & hooch slinging, DePonceau opened Wide Right, a bar and comedy venue in the Ballpark neighborhood of Denver, CO

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