Good Times Changes Name to “End Times”, to More Accurately Reflect Current Times
In a move described by residents as “pretty obvious at this point”, popular Colorado-based fast food chain, Good Times, announced they will change their name to “End Times” in an effort to more accurately reflect current times.
With the COVID-19 pandemic already affecting their ability to offer late-night, walk-up service at their 34 locations in Colorado and 2 in Wyoming, Good Times is just about as ready to give up as anyone right now. Much like an overworked frozen custard machine that just can’t possibly make another shake without overheating and starting to spew smoke, Good Times would honestly be relieved if this was just finally over.
“Even though we’re still offering limited drive-thru service, it just doesn’t seem right to go on kidding ourselves into thinking that we can solve all of this with Wild Fries and dip sauce” stated corporate public relations manager Chuck Sirloin.
“We have explored ideas to do some other things to keep up with current events'', Sirloin explained. “We were strongly considering changing the name of the Blackberry Spoonbender to the Black Lives Matter Spoonbender to show our solidarity with the ongoing protests… and then there was the 3-day long Zoom meeting where we almost changed the name of the Black Bean Burger to the Black is Beautiful Burger, but we were all pretty sure that would get us the wrong kind of attention, so we moved on to revamping the stores’ color scheme. It’s always been happy colors like red and yellow and purple, but it makes way more sense to me right now to just paint every single wall jet black. We’re all just so tired of the pressure to brighten someone’s day with our all-natural, antibiotic-free beef and chicken sandwiches…”
“The pandemic has been bad”, Sirloin continued, “but honestly that’s not even the worst thing Good Times has to worry about in 2020. We’re very concerned about potential competition from In-n-Out Burger finally coming to Colorado.”
In-n-Out, the California-based chain with an almost cult-like following, has announced that they will be opening their first Aurora location sometime this year, assuming that civilization as we know it will last much longer.
“A total branding change to let people know that we keep it real is the best option since we need all the publicity we can get. If our sales take a big hit once the new In-n-Out locations open and we have to start serving our food ‘animal style’ or whatever unholy mess passes for edible in California, I’ll have to quit this job and go become a Buddhist monk or something.”
Harrison Garcia is a comedian, producer, and musician based in Denver. Harrison hosted several live comedy shows in the before-times, and he hopes to host many more when it’s allowed again. Harrison records original music under the name Slow Fiction that you can find at soundcloud.com/slow-fiction