• Westish Contributor

Frank Azar’s Other Arm Actually Quite Weak

By Jeremy Pysher

New research shows, If you live in Colorado, you've seen at least 17,264 commercials for Franklin D. Azar & Associates. Azar, a high-profile personal injury attorney, is known for being the self appointed “Strong Arm”, a nickname his marketing team strongly advised against. When Mr. Azar questioned why, the marketing team replied “Because it sounds like a masturbation joke.” Azar responded, “Who uses their arms to pickle the toad?”

Frank Azar & Associates is the largest firm in Colorado for car wrecks. The firm began in 1987 and has been ranked first in Colorado for cases filed against insurance companies, as well as being ranked first in the nation for cases brought against Wrigley and the amount of time Juicy Fruit holds its flavor. Claiming 37 years of a proven track record, it is hard to find a smidge of trouble with Frank Azar. However, he’s been lying to you the entire time. Azar does in fact have a strong arm, however that is only because his left arm is weak, very weak. Weaker than the Rockies bullpen.

Fellow Colorado celebrity injury attorneys Bacchus and Schanker provided this statement, “Azar may have won more cases. But, we have four average sized arms.”

Daniel Bryant, Azar’s personal trainer at Aurora’s Prestige Fitness, offered his theory on his clients left arm. “Don’t skip leg day? Frank skips leg day, he skips core day, he even skips the day we play with the jumbo parachute from elementary school. Dude can (hammer curl 210 pounds with his strong arm though.) (can Shakeweight better than any human I’ve ever seen”

No one is quite sure what happened to Frank’s left arm. An unnamed source, close to Westish, claimed the arm was injured in a “Socratic Method Accident.” The source recalled. “I think it happened back in ‘81. We were attending law school at DU, and had studied for 9 hours straight. We decided to head out for a beer to wind down. A few hours later Frankie says he invented a new dance move called the Cross Examination. Next thing I know we’re at the hospital, and my pockets are filled with uncooked hotdogs. It was like 14 hotdogs. Never saw him use his left arm again.”

Rumors still fly between Denver area residents when the topic of Azar’s arm comes up. Maybe he was born with it. Maybe it was a freakish duck accident. Maybe it’s Maybelline. When asked how they thought Azar's weak arm developed. Local resident Phillip Murphy said, “It’s like Remember the Titans said, there’s the left side, and then there’s the strong side.” Murphy was not asked further questions.

Hailing from Buffalo, NY, Denver comedian Jeremy Pysher has an affinity for cheap beer, flannels, and terrible sports teams. Combining his love for comedy and partying, Pysher is an owner of the bar Wide Right where he hosts and produces the standup show Shantytown, and is the joke half of the Joke and Destroy live show and podcast. You can follow Jeremy down Colfax and on all social media platforms at @jeremypysher and @WideRightDenver

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