• Westish Contributor

DPS Teachers Worry: Not Enough Statues to Hand Out to History Classes

By Cody Ullrich

With budget restraints, oversized classes, unfair wages, and concerns over safely opening school facilities in the midst of a massive pandemic, Denver teachers somehow have a new problem. Resulting from recent movements calling for racial justice, a number of controversial monuments have been taken down across the nation. Sadly, without these statues glorifying Confederate generals, rapists, and genocidal explorers, there is absolutely no possible way that anyone can learn history.

“How are we supposed to teach history to children now?” pondered local teacher, Mrs. Dauterive. “Normally, at the beginning of the year, each child in the class would get a used copy of a statue to take home and study. The cost of these statues has suddenly skyrocketed now that protesters are throwing them into lakes. As a teacher in America, I pay for most educational supplies out of my own pocket and I just don’t think I can afford it this year.”

Pressed for alternatives, Mrs Dauterive considered options suggested by certain PTA members.

“Some people out there suggest that children can learn from these things called books instead of giant statues. Some have even wondered if learning can be done using a massive archive of historical knowledge that exists on this thing called the internet,” Dauterive said. “I don’t know, maybe I’m a traditionalist, but I feel I need my students to learn through comically large golden statues memorializing men that literally spent their lives fighting to enslave an entire race.”

When asked about responsible ways to relocate historical statues, Dauterive stood firm.

“We need these monuments to remember the past. We can’t just put them in places dedicated to historical preservation like museums. We need to proudly display them outside state buildings and courthouses so minorities know that we’ve learned from history and that they will get fair treatment from their local government.”

When asked about the implications of a world without these statues, Dauterive was not optimistic.

“Removing these statues is exactly like erasing history. It is sad that entire segments of extra-dimensional space-time will cease to be the second we remove these statues,” Dauterive made this statement before becoming confused. “Wait, how long have I been speaking with you? How did I get here? I really wish there was an enormous marble monument depicting my trip to this location, because as far as I know, this never happened and I’m still at home right now.”

Westish News later discovered Mrs. Dauterive was not actually a teacher. This fact became abundantly clear because, unlike Dauterive, real teachers are highly competent, underpaid, and undervalued champions of education that will soon be asked to risk their personal health and safety to teach children in crowded classrooms during a deadly pandemic. Unfortunately, preservation of the people who actually teach our children is not as popular as fighting to preserve inanimate objects.

Cody Ullrich is a Denver-born writer, comedian, and musician.

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