• Westish Contributor

Denver Unemployment Call Center Now Hiring

By Meghan DePonceau

DENVER, CO -- With hundreds of Coloradoans still out of work, over 40,000 calls to the unemployment office go unanswered every week. Granted, more than half of those are from rude, obnoxious and insufferable middle aged white women who leave voicemails asking to speak to the manager, because without collecting unemployment they are missing out on summer sales at Kohl’s. Now, the Denver call center has shifted from filing unemployment claims for benefits to just answering the phone calls with a desperate “YOU’RE HIRED, GET HERE AS FAST AS YOU CAN”.

Colorado residents are sick of having to wait on hold every day for hours and call center employees are exhausted from answering the phone to people amidst hysterical panic attacks. “I answered a call in the knick of time yesterday, the guy was on his roof just about to jump” claims unemployment office telephone operator Ridley Adams, “Last week I spent four hours on the phone with a woman because she skipped therapy sessions for the past month while waiting on hold at home, it was the least I could do to listen. I’m very excited for the new staffing methods, except we won’t have any time to train anyone. I am guessing this system will be most likely useless in the end, but at least I will be able to sleep at night again”.

The department’s automated voice has been switched from “experiencing very high call volume, please try again later” to a very breathy and panicked “we will pay you cash under the table, hell you can file your own unemployment once you are here and collect twice, JUST GET HERE. This was your interview, congratulations you’ve got the job”.

With so many people out of work in the state of Colorado, the “TaskRabbit” app is full of people willing to wait on hold for you. Unfortunately, most people can barely afford their phone bill without work, let alone pay someone to sit and wait with it. Some residents are just heading straight down to the unemployment office in person, which is why they’ve locked the doors and employees haven’t been able to leave for weeks. They desperately need toilet paper and food,and if you feel like donating to the cause, you can’t, because there is no way in or out of the building.

In attempts to contact the Colorado Unemployment Department for comment, I was reminded that “None of it makes any sense, stop trying so hard, it’s hopeless, just give up” is still and has always been the official slogan for local government.

Made from embers of the lovable Dumpster Fire that is Buffalo New York Meghan DePonceau has blood made of Frank's Red Hot & the spicy mouth to prove it. For her passions of giggle making & hooch slinging, DePonceau opened Wide Right, a bar and comedy venue in the Ballpark neighborhood of Denver, CO

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