Denver Aquarium Adds 1,000lbs of Trash to Make Experience More Realistic
With non-essential business closed over the past few months, many companies are using the time to make improvements to their establishments. The disappearance of strung out parents, wailing newborns, lunatic toddlers, mobs of schoolchildren, and stoners who are realizing “maybe the edibles weren’t a good idea”, the Denver Aquarium decided to make renovations. Their most obvious modification is the addition of one-thousand pounds of good ol’ fashion American garbage, which has been carefully dumped into the exhibits.
“For every fish in the ocean there’s one piece of plastic,” says new aquarium spokeswoman Candice Adams, who’s still wet behind the ears. “We want to shed light on how miserable of a situation these creatures would be in, if they were swimming freely in that gigantic landfill we call an ocean.”
When asked if she thought the move would upset visitors, Adams claimed, “I think the kids will have fun watching otters fight over who gets [to choke on] the Happy Meal toy, or seeing the turtles do their walrus impression where they stick straws up their nose.”
Of course the decision to pour trash into the water made waves throughout the PETA community, who are calling the decision “inhumane”, and claim they will “make sure the aquarium is in hot salt water for this.”
“Obviously the decision is inhumane, they’re fish not humans,” Adams yelled over a Muddy Waters song blaring in the background.
When the aquarium reopens, ticket prices will be raised due to the financial impact of the Covid-19 pandemic. However, if you are unable to afford the ticket, the aquarium will offer free ones in exchange for five trash bags full of things that could’ve been recycled. They are also asking visitors to stay home if they have been feeling ill, or if they want to avoid the vile disease commonly known as children.
Charlie Lloyd is a comedy writer who sniffed too much glue as a kid to have a career that would make his parents proud. You can find him writing scripts and jokes in his overpriced studio apartment in Congress Park. You may also catch him at an open mic once every six months after he musters up enough courage to talk in front of people.