• Westish Contributor

Dealin’ Doug Disappoints Ravers Looking To Party

By Cody Ullrich

Prior to the outbreak of Covid-19, the club scene in Denver was home to colorful leg warmers, candy necklaces, those glowing stringy ball thingies, and a serious amount of MDMA. Reports recently surfaced involving attempts to solicit substances from local celebrity, Dealin’ Doug. Trev Dougie Wobblez, local EDM enthusiast described his experience.

“We were planning to get really weird and wanted to score some disco biscuits for the big Womp Fest in LoDo,” said Wobblez. “The guy we usually go to just moved back to Virginia to live with his parents and we were desperate for new options when it hit me. It was 1:00 PM on a Tuesday, I was hopped up on DayQuil, watching Judge Mathis. I saw a man on TV in a superhero suit. His name was Dealin’ Doug and I thought… we found our new dealer!”

Wobblez rounded up his friends and drove down to Arapahoe Kia in Centennial to meet with Dealin’ Doug, himself. Their search began optimistically as Wobblez’ friend Dirty Dianne Danks explained.

“Things started off great, he said he had the best selection, the best prices, and the best financing. I’ve never financed a bag of X before, but I was kinda tight on cash, so that seemed like a cool deal,” Danks told reporters. “We asked about quality and he said all his sales had a Dealin’ Doug certified guarantee for three years or a hundred thousand miles. I figured I’d definitely finish these drugs in the next three years, and I don’t live that far away, so this sounded pretty tight, too.”

Wobblez and friends found out they were barking up the wrong tree eventually.

“So usually you gotta be subtle with your contact, but this guy just wasn’t getting around to showing us the goods. He walked us through a parking lot for like an hour before I just came right out and said it. I was like ‘dude, we’re here for Molly’. Then he’s like, ‘oh, why didn’t you say so, come this way,’ and we followed him back to the front desk,” Wobblez recounted. “Then he just, like, introduced us to the receptionist whose name was Molly. Turned out that place was just a car dealership all along”

Reports state another friend of Wobblez, Mikey Mad Mad, was so upset that he took a swing at Dealin’ Doug. As any Denverite who has ever taken a sick day and stayed awake through a commercial break of The Price Is Right knows, Dealin’ Doug is no slouch. He dodged the punch and threw Mikey Mad Mad right out onto the street shouting, “Nobody beats Dealin’ Doug! Nobody!”

Cody Ullrich is a Denver-born writer, comedian, and musician.

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