• Westish Contributor

Cory Gardner Promises to Deliver for Coloradans Each And Every Moment He Is up for Re-election

By Jeremy Lessnau, photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore


Citing the recent passage of a nature conservation act in the Senate, Colorado Sen. Cory Gardner promised to deliver for Coloradans each and every moment his senate seat is contested by an upcoming election. “It is important that the people of Colorado know I will look out for their interests five hours a day, three days a week, one out of every six years,” said Gardner, clarifying that his efforts in Washington D.C. should reflect the people of the centennial state if and only if his senate seat is up for grabs, and as long as the issue at hand pleases both the president and senate majority leader. “I vow to stay loyal to both my constituents, and my unflinching drive to retain power at any cost.” Gardner reportedly could be seen leaving the press conference to meet up with a resident of Aurora, who offered to vote for Gardner this fall in exchange for unclogging her toilet.


With a crucial election looming this November, both parties have keyed in on the importance of Colorado as a battleground for control of the Senate. “Our plan, in essence, is to do whatever the fuck people want us to do, from now until election day,” said campaign manager Casey Contres, adding that, following a potential senate re-election, voters might expect fuck all in the way of representation for the next five years. “Senator Gardner is all but guaranteed to help special interest groups over the citizens of Colorado if he is re-elected, but for now he will do literally anything for votes: you can spank him, use him as a babysitter, piss in his mouth… Gardner is there for it.” The campaign later likened Gardner to a Spirit Halloween store because, although he appears to be reliable from the outside, time will eventually expose his offers to be fleeting and vacant.


Signaling an aggressive move by republicans to win approval from Colorado voters, Sen. Cory Gardner’s involvement with the Great American Outdoors Act comes at a crucial time in a purple state. “I know Gardner’s voting record has been historically hostile towards all of nature, but maybe this is a sign that he will change,” said gullible man Jeff Unterfundle, failing to note how his justifications of Gardner resemble the attitude of a victim of an abusive relationship. “He says he will be better, and I want to believe him.” Gardner encouraged anyone who likes the version of himself he has been presenting for the past two weeks to register to vote, unless of course they plan to vote for someone else, in which case they are dead to him.


At press time, Gardner was reportedly circling November 4 on his calendar with sparkly gel pens, and writing ‘party time’ in fun bubble letters.


Jeremy is a comedy writer, improviser, and musician based out of Denver. Along with writing about himself in the third person, Jeremy enjoys trucks, beer, and appearing relatable to the working class, rural American.


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