Cory Gardner Can’t Decide Which Oil and Gas Company to Become Lobbyist for in November
Senator Cory Gardner expressed frustration today about just how many oil and gas firms might hire him as a lobbyist after he gets voted out by the people of Colorado in November.
“This might be the most difficult choice I’ve ever had to make” said Senator Gardner, who has spent his term in the US Senate voting to allow drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife refuge, voting against tax breaks for solar panels, and voting to approve the Keystone XL Pipeline.
“There are just so many oil and gas CEOs that have donated to my Super PAC and I would hate to let any of these fine old white men down” said the senator, who spoke with Westish via Zoom from the VIP suite at the annual Koch Brothers retreat.
“It’s tough because Xcel said that they would buy me a house in Aspen, but Frontera said they would pay me enough money to buy my own jet and leave it running for weeks on end. Average Coloradans just don’t understand my struggle.”
Gardner, who has called the Green New Deal a “socialist pipe dream”, currently has the second most donations from both the oil and gas and coal industries in the Senate. He also narrowly beats out Mitch McConnell to be the current leader for donations from the private prison industry.
“I feel great about my record because I’ve set myself up to be the perfect lobbyist for industries that I know will continue to do everything they can to help their shareholders, and I’m ready to push my former colleagues in the senate to dismantle as many environmental protections as possible” said the senator as he dined on a lunch of quail eggs with a side of the skin of the poor.
“What am I supposed to do after I lose by 10 points to a guy with an energy record only slightly less horrifying than mine? Spend time with my family? Gross...” Gardner added while running away from constituents who wanted to ask him about his consistent opposition to the Affordable Care Act.
Harrison Garcia is a comedian, producer, and musician based in Denver. Harrison hosted several live comedy shows in the before-times, and he hopes to host many more when it’s allowed again. Harrison records original music under the name Slow Fiction that you can find at soundcloud.com/slow-fiction