• Westish Contributor

Corona Street to be Renamed “The Flu Actually Kills More People Street”

By Cody Ullrich

Giant potholes on what was formerly known as Corona Street have been responsible for several traffic related injuries and deaths in recent months. In lieu of taking steps to make the street safer, locals have opted instead to rename the street to “The Flu Actually Kills More People Street”. Capitol Hill resident Daniel Winters, supporter of the name change, explained his position to reporters.

“I don’t understand why the media is blowing up this fatal pothole issue,” said Winters. “It’s only killed three percent of people living on this street. More people die every year of the common flu than in pothole related deaths. These scare tactics are unnecessary and irresponsible.”

When asked about city proposals to briefly shut down thru traffic on the street to fill the potholes, Winters expressed concerns.

“Many people use this street to get to barber shops and their favorite bars. Briefly closing this street to fix some killer potholes is an inconvenience this city can’t afford. Besides, I hear most people that are crashing are the elderly who are bad at driving. Why make everyone else’s life harder when we can just rename the street?”

It is true that many incidents of fatal crashes on this street involve elderly drivers. While young people have typically been able to swerve to avoid the effects of these potholes, several occurrences have caused these young drivers to run over innocent pedestrians who were walking toward essential services.

City planner Sheridan Miller sought a compromise, proposing adding stop signs to intersections preceding the worst of the potholes.

“The idea is to slow down drivers on this street to prevent over inundating the more dangerous areas. The last thing we need is a massive pileup preventing emergency vehicles’ access to crash victims.”

Winters again opposed this idea.

“Stop signs are just an attempt at government control. The constitution grants me the right to travel down a street, tailgating whoever I’d like, without being forced to occasionally stop. This is a form of oppression. Stop signs are a slippery slope to a communist dictatorship and I refuse to be treaded on.”

John Wilkins, member of the “Rename Corona Street” coalition, stands on a street corner with an AR-15 and a military flak jacket to protest proposed repairs to the street.

“Originally, I wanted a different name for this street. The first potholes popped up in front of the local Asian restaurant, so I thought why not call it ‘The Chinese Street’? The PC liberals started saying that was ‘racist’, but I know it’s not racist if it’s true.”

This anti-Chinese-food sentiment led to an alarming amount of threats to local Asian restaurants including Vietnamese Pho and Japanese Sushi establishments, though they were nowhere near the source of these potholes.

When city council members were asked for their decision on a solution, Cindy Thompson offered reporters an exhausted reply.

“Look, there’s no reasoning with these people. We suggested using personal protective equipment like airbags. They said no. We asked them not to travel with many passengers to limit casualties in an accident. They ignored us. We requested having a general awareness of how their actions affect themselves and those around them. They said that was a tall order.”

City council has officially given in to the demands of the protesters.

“We’re tired. We have decided to change the name of Corona Street to ‘The Flu Actually Kills More People Street’ and let whatever happens happen.”

Cody Ullrich is a Denver-born writer, comedian, and musician.

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