• Westish Contributor

Cherry Creek Mall More Enjoyable Now That Kiosk Attendants Can’t Approach Customers

By Christie Buchele

Cherry Creek, Colo.-- The lives of trophy wives are getting back to normal this week with the reopening of the Cherry Creek Mall on Wednesday. Coloradans with deep pockets are excited to get back into stores after the 3 month hiatus caused by COVID-19. “It’s just a relief to be able to shop for overpriced items again. These last three months have been hard, I felt like the bottom 99% and it felt gross,” lamented Cherry Creek Mall regular Liz Gordon.

For patrons that are concerned about health and safety, the mall has implemented standards to help prohibit the spread of Coronavirus. Capacity limits, diligent disinfecting, and floor markers to help people keep their distance during check out are just some of the new procedures in the mall. “This is a hard time for rich people. They are realizing that money can’t save them from Covid but perhaps a new cashmere face mask can help” suggested Gregory Bryant, operations manager of the shopping center.

While mall associates assume that most patrons will be inconvenienced by the new regulations and will be asking to see a manager at every corner, there is some hope that other measures will be welcomed. “We are requiring 6 feet between all patrons not traveling in the mall together and that means kiosk salesmen can no longer approach our customers,” added Greg, “long gone are the days of being accosted by an essential oil salesman or a wig pedlar. We are actually encouraging customers to turn the tables and spray the kiosk salesman with perfume if they get too close. It’s a new day and women with prenups need to feel like they can defend themselves.”

A kiosk salesman could not be reached for comment because most of them returned to their home countries where their government is taking Covid-19 seriously. But for those who remained most have resigned stating in their exit interviews that “this isn’t the job I signed up for. I joined this company so that I could harass people and intimidate them into buying sunglasses, not customer service.” While this marks big changes for the Cherry Creek Mall, don’t worry Denverites, not everything has changed. You still have to pay for parking, and hopefully it’s old norms like that that will keep the credit cards maxed out at The Cherry Creek Mall.

Christie Buchele (@cabuchsy) is a Stand-Up Comedian, Comedy Teacher at Voodoo Comedy, and Comedy Works Regular.

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