Budtender Deemed Essential; Calls Parents To Brag
When Dylann Kingsley got the Instagram DM from his manager that his dispensary had been deemed essential, he was ecstatic. “Bro, I had just taken a fat dab to the face, so it was hard to read, but when my roommate read it to me, I was like ‘YOOOOOOO! It was the dankest shit I ever heard! I couldn’t wait to call my pops and show that dude who’s boss!”
To Dylann’s dad, Chester, getting hired as a budtender was just another dead end, loser job. “Where do you go from there? Heady Director of Crunchy Tunes? Chiefing Executive Blunt Roller? McDonald’s? Seriously, where do you go?”
To Dylann, getting that job was everything. “Bro, when I got that job, I had just gotten back from Sonic Bloom, so my serotonin was pretty low, but I was still so stoked, though. That’s how I knew it meant a lot to me.”
When Dylann’s manager slid into his Insta DM’s, he knew immediately who the first person he was going to call was. “I hit him up like ‘ayyyy, Chesty! How’s the furlough life going, you lazy welfare queen?’ He hated it! It was the best day of my life.”
Dylann decided he would call and leave Chester messages every day during the pandemic. “I call him every day now, just to remind him that I’m essential and he’s not. He never answers though, so I just leave him messages like ‘yo, Chest-ica! I’m heading to work. What are you up to? Oh, that’s right, probably just sitting around collecting unemployment. Hope that extra $600 is treating you well, slacker!’”
That’s not all Dylann is doing to gloat to his dad, though. “Sometimes I call him on FaceTime just to flip him off. He gets so mad. It’s so funny.”.
“I want to kill him,” says Chester, “but I can’t because he’s my son, and everyone will know I did it. I don’t know how much more of this cotton mouthed idiot I can take.”
Dylann has other plans though. “Oh yeah, even when this is over, I’m still calling him every day. I’ll be all like ‘Yo, Chest-nuts! Hope you’re saving that extra six-hundo for the second wave, you freeloader! I gotta go slang some nugs, but I’ll hit you up tomorrow. Don’t get bed sores, bro!’ He’s gonna hate it.”
Westish reached out to Dylann’s mom, but she was busy having breakfast at C&C Coffee and Kitchen, then heading to an Open America protest.
Matt Cobos is a stand-up comic and writer in Denver, Colorado. You can catch him regularly at Comedy Works, or his weekly Wednesday night show at Ratio Beerworks. Find him on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/matt.cobos/ , or on Instagram and twitter @stupidmattcobos.