• Westish Contributor

Altitude Sports Thrilled to Have Something to Keep Fans from Watching Again

By Steve Vanderploeg

Sports are back for the Mile High City, but you wouldn’t really know it, unless you use DIRECTV like a neanderthal. However, for anybody that has kept up with technological advancements since the 1990’s when “The Drew Carey Show” was top dog, It’s become pretty much impossible to watch Colorado’s teams play within the state. Westish News recently sat down with a spokesperson from Altitude’s parent company Kroenke Sports and Entertainment to learn more.

“We hear that fans are upset that they can’t watch their favorite teams this year. Before the pandemic, we just wanted to be stubborn and get a whole bunch of extra money for doing nothing extra. But now… Now we’re literally getting off to the concept that fans don’t have any other choice. Before fans could pay extra money and attend live games, but not anymore! And bars are barely a thing that most people are willing to go to as a virus rips across the nation, so that leaves no choice for 90% of our fans to watch their teams. They don’t really have any options and Oh. Oh. Oh my god. Oh my god. I’m sorry. I’ve developed a massive erection just talking about it. Excuse me one second. I have to use the restroom. This should be quick,” said KSE spokesperson, Rip Hoff, before returning a mere 3 minutes later.

“Kroenke’s teams are really good this year. The Avalanche, Nuggets and Mammoth are all likely contenders to win major championships this year. It’s hard enough to have one highly competitive team and not be able to watch, but three at one time. Sports culture is intense, and our fans are devout. I can’t tell you how many tattoos I’ve seen people get with our logos. Or thousand dollar shopping sprees on team apparel. And this is the year that could really stand out in Colorado Sports History, but we’re keeping people from being able to witness it. And oh. Oh sorry. I thought I was tapped out, but thinking about this just feels good. Sorry, I’ll be back again.” Said Hoff, getting out of his chair a little slower this time.

Hoff returned again to the interview about a minute and a half later. “Look, some of the games will be nationally televised, so as long as people have any cable provider at all, they are in luck when the major networks want to air their teams. Otherwise, we know that fans are upset that they can’t watch their favorite clubs compete in the playoffs, and I want to make one thing clear to them. We hear you. We feel your pain. But we REALLY want more money from Comcast and Dish. We hope to bring home multiple titles, but more so, we want that fat check from cable companies to air the games we have rights to. And if we don’t get that money, it doesn’t really matter if we win rings or not, or how our fans feel. All that matters to us is that we hold the power. Go Avs, Go Nugs, Go Mammoth and Go Rapids! I’m sorry, do you have a towel? I thought I got it all out the second time, but I must’ve tricked myself. Honestly I didn’t know my body could produce this much.”

Westish News refuses to apologize for punching the spokesperson after the interview ended.

Steve Vanderploeg is a stand-up comedian based in Denver, Colorado where he is a regular at Comedy Works, and creator of Rotating Tap Comedy.

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